Goodbye 2007

2007 has finally come to an end. I have received so many sms greetings to wish me all the best for the coming year. Don't know why, I just felt so difficult to let 2007 go. Mum's demise is still a chapter that I have yet closed. She has been gone for slightly more than half a year but in my heart, she seems to still be around. Sometimes it felt as if she had just gone on a very long holiday and she has not returned. I miss Pa too. I can't help but keep wondering how and where they are now.. I so so miss their presence and laughter. How I miss the times we were together..* SOB SOB* They are so far far away from me now.

Gareth Turns One Month Old!

Gareth turns one month old!Heehee.. that also marks the end of my one month confinement! Yippee! Anyway, my confinement lady left yesterday.. and there are quite a few things she did that I hope I could undo (e.g., carrying baby a lot - told her off but she still continued doing so). I was so worried that I had to carry Gareth throughout the night last night, but I was glad that it wasn't as bad as I thought. Gareth seems a bit more difficult to look after as a baby than Gregory. Hope things will get better with time.

It's Christmas

How time flies.. the year is coming to an end, and Christmas is here. Sigh.. no Christmas shopping or parties at friends' place for me this year because I am still doing my confinement. Well, I decided to hold a family gathering at my place for Christmas instead. My family always had Christmas gatherings (for fun because we are not Christians) but we stopped celebrating it when Dad passed away more than a year ago. *SOB SOB*. I could still remember Mum was lying in hospital last Christmas, and I was doing "afternoon care duty". Bought her a black sweater and she was delighted. She loved the sweater so much that no matter where she goes, she would bring it along. This year, my siblings and I gathered at my place that evening, but the atmosphere was never the same any more. The absence of my parents was still greatly felt. I really wonder how Ma and Pa are now.. I miss the last Christmas gathering my family had and I guess I will never ever have such fun any more.

I Am Back to Breastfeeding Again!

Heehee.. I have decided to return to breastfeeding again. I surfed the internet quite a fair bit on some breastfeeding forums and I thought I should give it another shot as my main reason for ceasing my supply wasn't because I didn't have enough breastmilk.I have also gathered a lot of support from friends (of course not to forget my younger sister who had breastfed her daughter for 18months) who breastfed/ are breastfeeding their kids and yes, I was convinced to return to total breastfeeding Gareth again. Oh my, I was so anxious about not having enough to feed Gareth at first yesterday because I had introduced formula milk for the past few days. I even got KengYong to help me buy Fenugreek. Well, I am glad that it gets a lot better today. Gareth seems more satisfied after each feed, and I truly felt that my efforts put in have been paid off so far.

One primary reason why I decided to fully breastfeed Gareth again is because he's going to attend infant care when I return to work. I really hope that his immunity could be strengthened via my breastmilk. Sigh.. but Gregory told me that he didn't want my milk - he said he still has his tin of milk powder..haha. Thanks to all my friends and relatives who have encouraged me to return to breastfeeding again. Well, at least now I could tell myself that I have done all that I could to give the best to both my boys..

So Unpredictable!

I have not been sleeping well for the past few nights.. Gareth's sleep and feeding pattern has suddenly changed. It started about three nights ago, when he dozed off in less than 5minutes each time I latched him onto my breast for his feed. I had tried ways to wake him up (e.g., change his diaper, put him on the bed etc) but to no avail. He wasn't like that few days ago! Naturally, I had to put him back into his cot so that he could continue sleeping. However, he would wake up in less than half an hour. Confinement lady kept saying that my breastmilk isn't sufficient (though I didn't have the problem during the first 2 weeks when Gareth arrived) and had wanted me to express my milk. I wasn't keen to do so because of some bad experiences I went through when I first had Gregory. Anyway, I allowed the confinement lady to give formula milk just to test her hypothesis. Apparently, Gareth still woke up in 30minutes after feed. He startled easily, and we have also tried ways to solve this problem (e.g., put beansprout pillow on his chest - but he kicked it up to cover his face.. oh my gosh!; swaddled him but he would struggle to free both his hands - confinement lady suggested tying his hands to his body using a cloth but I strongly objected; on soft music but it didn't help). Confinement lady then suggested bathing the baby in "red flower water" but it didn't seem effective either. Finally last night she asked me if I had "talisman"... aiyo! I guess that must be her very last resort. Even when I asked her if Gareth is experiencing some wind in the tummy, she told me the baby cot may not be suitable for Gareth! Oh my gosh, the first thought that came to my mind was that she wasn't objective and she didn't seem experienced as a confinement lady. Frankly speaking, my primary concern is that Gareth has enough sleep. Sms-ed my friends who are experienced mummies, and yes, I am going to try to put Gareth on his tummy when he has his nap during the day so that I could monitor him and ensure that he doesn't get suffocated. I am now keeping my fingers crossed that this would work. Well, how about his sleep at night then? Hmm.. I am going to just take one step at a time. If it really works and is deemed safe after some days of monitoring, then I may put him on his tummy to sleep at night.

I am also thinking of slowly having my breastmilk ceased. After what happened during the past three nights, I guess because of the insufficient rest I had and the bottles of formula milk introduced by confinement lady as trials, my milk supply seems to have reduced. Also, I think I have somewhat neglected Greg since Gareth has arrived. I guess I cannot just keep thinking of nursing Gareth or pump out my milk all the time.. I believe motherhood is a lot more than these things. Come to think of it, I just want to be a happy mother and be able to spend quality time with both my boys and hubby. That's all.

"R" and "L"

I wonder if Gareth is a name difficult to pronounce. My confinement lady asked me what my baby's English name is. I told her the name but she pronounced it as "Ga-left". Sigh. Anyway, I said to her that I preferred her to call Gareth by his Chinese name.

Somehow, this reminded me of an incident years ago. At that time, Edwin was only about 5 or 6 years of age. His kindergarten teacher gave him a homework in which he's supposed to bring objects that start with the alphabet "L" to school the next day. Edwin was cared for by my mum then, but he called his mum (Pearl) to inform her about his homework. Pearl only got him a "leaf" and he was so anxious that he revealed to my mum that he needed to bring more than one object that starts with "L" to school. I still remember Mum hurriedly came to me with Edwin in the evening when I was at home to ask me if I know of any other objects that begin with "L".

ME: Hmmm... Lemon? Lime?

Mum: I know! How about Labbit?

ME: Labbit? *Was laughing then*

Edwin: Mama, "Rabbit" starts with "R" not "L"

Mum: Ohhh..

I still can recall the scene quite vividly. Well, can't blame Mum. Afterall, she isn't English educated. But I can tell you that my mum is a great woman. She tutored me (Chinese) till I was Primary School and without her, I believe I wouldn't be able to speak Teochew fluently. =)

Gareth Is Two Weeks Old!

Gareth is two weeks old now...Confinement lady kept complaining that he didn't grow much. Well, I am not too worried. Afterall he's only two weeks old..I guess that's the problem of engaging confinement lady after birth. If I were a first-time mother, I would probably believe her and be very concerned. Also, many confinement ladies are not very pro-breastfeeding. Either they want the mummies to rest more at night or they want more sleep for themselves at night, hence they may keep advocating for formula milk. My confinement lady has four sons but she has never breastfed her children at all. Hmmm... now I just wish my 1 month confinement can quickly pass.

I notice this week Gareth is a lot more alert and he looks actively around the environment though I do not think he could see very far. One thing for sure, he loves looking at his big brother. Gareth could arch his back and turn his head to just have a look at Gregory whenever he hears Greg's voice. Heehee... I have also discovered that Gareth has a different cry when he is hungry and he wants milk - the rhythm of this cry was quite similar to the sound of an ambulance siren. Quite interesting isn't it?

One of my aunties (Mum's youngest sister) popped by to visit me. She stayed in Bukit Batok and she took a cab to come all the way to SengKang. Oh my gosh.. I think she must have spent a lot on cab fare. She bought me so much food, and I could see she loves babies. How nice if she stays near me.. I believe she wouldn't reject babysitting for me but sigh, Bukit Batok is so so far away. But anyway, thanks Xiao Yi, for everything. =)

Some Thoughts..

Greg was sent to school today. Surprisingly, he didn't wail this morning when he left the house. However, I did hear that he cried in school when KengYong left him there. Somehow, the house seems empty without his presence. I feel odd. Hopefully, he gets adjusted to his usual school routine in no time.

Today is my cousin's wedding. Sigh... I cannot attend her wedding dinner as I am still doing my confinement after birth. I still remember the day when I went down to Mum's house during my lunchtime and Mum received a call from my sixth uncle to say that my cousin is getting married. I could see that Mum was so happy for her, but soon after, Mum commented that she may not live long enough to be present at her wedding. She's indeed right, as she ended her battle six months ago. However, I still remember trying to dispute what she said, and kept encouraging her to fight on. I wasn't in denial then but I was hoping so hard for miracles to happen. Miracles do happen, don't they?

Time really flies. Mum's away for half a year and Dad's away for one and half year. I wasn't present at that crucial point of time when both left the world. I had to be informed to rush down to hospital in both cases, and by the time I arrived, they had departed. Departed without saying any last words to me. Quite upset whenever I think about all these. Their absence during birth of Gareth and my confinement was greatly felt. I am grateful to have supportive siblings and genuinely concerned relatives as well as friends who have made my past 12 days bearable. Thank you all so so much.

How nice if Mum and Pa are around.. I believe they would be so proud of the new addition in the family, Gareth and the rest of their 6 grandchildren. Hmmm... maybe Greg shouldn't go to school today. Without him around, I seem to have time to think more..

Baby is 1 Week Old!

Baby has turned a week old! He didn't seem to grow much. Maybe because I see him everyday. He's still jaundiced and has to be monitored every 2-3 days at the polyclinic. Hopefully, his jaundice level comes down fast. Breastfeeding this second baby is a lot easier than when I breastfed Greg. Perhaps it's because Greg had to stay in hospital for about a week after birth because of his severe jaundice level and I didn't get to latch him on directly to my breasts during feeding time on those days he was hospitalized whereas this baby has been with me since Day 1. This baby is also easy to breastfeed because he suckles well. Hopefully I can breastfeed him for at least 6months. See picture of baby below.

KengYong and I have named baby Gareth. It is a Welsh name and it means "gentle". Surprisingly, Greg has also given baby a name. Originally he chose Gareth but now he has changed his mind. I didn't know it until when my elder sister, Pearl asked me if the baby's name is Benedict. She said Greg told her that. Apparently, Greg went around telling people he met (including my neighbours) that his brother's name is Benedict! Well, KengYong said perhaps we should just name baby Benedict. On second thought, we realize that my cousin-in-law is also named Ben. Ahem, so I guess we are going to stick to "Gareth". His Chinese name is Lin Hong2 Jun4.

Pretend Play

Greg loves to imitate what the adults do. Of late, he's quite curious with the process of breastfeeding. He asked plenty of questions about breasts and milk..I believe Greg couldn't remember I breastfed him when he was a baby. Afterall, I only breastfed him till he was four months old.

Greg (pointing to my breast while I was breastfeeding the baby): Mummy, what's this?
Me: It's Mummy's breast.
Greg: What's breast, Mummy?
Me: It's where Mummy's milk come from. Now didi is drinking milk.
Greg: Is breast like milk bottle like that?
Me: Hmmm... you can say that..
Greg: Mummy, can I hold the milk bottle for didi?
Me: Har???..

Interestingly, I caught Greg playing with my breastfeeding pillow when I went out of my room after my baby's feed one night. He was so quiet in my room that I decided to check on him... and to my surprise, he imitated what I did.. and he said his stuffed toy dog is his baby, and he's breastfeeding his dog! Oh my gosh! See picture below..

Greg and Baby

Life with two young boys isn't easy. Gregory gets jealous over his little brother easily, though I can see that he does love his brother. He would display his discontentment whenever I breastfeed baby. He would whine, cry while sitting next to me till I finish breastfeeding the baby. Finally, one day he asked me..

Greg: Mummy, why didi has to drink your milk?

Me: Well Greggie, when you were a baby, Mummy also fed you with my milk. So now Mummy is also feeding didi with Mummy's milk..

Greg: I don't like didi drink your milk. Is it because didi has no small milk bottles? Mummy, I have small milk bottles. I can lend mine to didi. If didi wants my milk powder, I also can give. Just take from the kitchen...

Me: *absolutely stunned*

Though unhappy about the presence of his brother, Greg has never been physically violent (though he could be rough in his touch) towards the baby. He feels bored at home, but he adamantly refuses to return to school. There was once when I told him that he should return to school the next day, he became quite upset about it. Though there was some immediate change in his behaviour (e.g., he would not stop me from breastfeeding his brother, and would even bring the breastfeeding pillow to me; he would also offer the baby one of his pillows! etc), I thought I shouldn't bring up the topic of sending him back to school any more(until when the hfmd situation in school has cleared and it's time for him to return to school) because it felt more like a threat to me. I guess I have to be really careful in managing Greg. He has always been very sensitive and emotional.. probably worse when the second baby is out I feel. I really hope that Greg will adjust fine in no time, and that he and baby would get along well in future.

My Second Baby Has Arrived!

The day has finally arrived. I took this picture of my tummy before I went KKH to deliver my baby on Thursday at 6+am. My cervix was 3cm dilated, and my gynaecologist decided to break my waterbag. I had my epidural at about 8+am when my contractions became really unbearable. My cervix was fully dilated at about 12pm but because my baby was not in the ideal position for birth (he's facing up though head was down), the midwives put me in various positions to push the baby out while they used their hands to turn the head of the baby. It was quite tedious because I had to go through this procedure for about two hours and my epidural medicine finished at 12+pm. The midwives convinced me not to top up the medicine because I suffered quite bad side effects from epidural (e.g., vomitting, shivering) and told me that baby would be out soon. The effects wore off at about 2pm and I had a hard time managing the pain till the baby decided to come out at about 2:30pm when the gynaecologist made her way to see me. KengYong was very supportive throughout the whole process; he even "pushed" the baby out with me by timing his own breathing to coincide with mine. I also had to thank Rina, my younger sister, who took leave to help me mind Gregory while I was in the hospital. I could see that Gregory had a great time with her and Regine.

When the baby was out, KengYong and I were so amazed that he looked so so much like Gregory. See pictures below (Left: Baby. Right: Gregory at birth). Baby was 3.455kg and 52cm long. He was a lovely baby, just like Gregory two years ago. I was discharged from KKH on Friday, a day after I have given birth. I was relieved that Baby didn't have jaundice on the first day, which Greg had gone through. Both boys look so much like KengYong, and they have the same blood group as their Daddy (A+) too.

Greg's First Pet

Greg's teacher used to have a small fish tank in school and he was quite disappointed to find it gone after the school had a mini renovation mid this year. Yesterday evening we walked past an aquarium, and Greg loved watching the little fishes swimming in the tank. He was so excited when I told him that I have decided to get him a little fish tank so that he could rear some fish himself. The shop owner was quite kind to do up Greg's little aquarium and selected a type of fish that's easy to rear. All in all (including the fish food and a net), the shop owner charged me $10. I thought that was quite cheap!

Greg has all sorts of questions about his fishes... e.g.,
Greg: Mummy, why my fish never sleep?
Me: Fishes do sleep. It's just that they do not close their eyes when they are asleep.
Greg: But I never see my fish sleep...
Me: Your fishes maybe sleeping if they are not swimming about but their eyes would still be opened..
Greg: Yesterday I see them swim, now I see them swim... I don't think my fish sleep you know..
Me: Well, maybe they slept at the same time as you last night.. hahaha.

He's also very enthusiastic about feeding his fishes besides admiring them from outside the tank. He fed the fish once in the morning and half an hour later, he came running into my room with the bottle of fish food.
Greg: Mummy, mummy, I think my fish is hungry. Can I feed them?
Me: You just fed them not too long ago..
Greg: But I want to feed them.
Me: Remember the fish auntie said you cannot feed the fish so many times?? Only once a day..
Greg: Why?
Me: The fish will die if you feed them with too much food.
Greg: But the fish don't want to eat if they are not hungry..
Me: Nope Greggie. I said no means no. You are overfeeding your fish.
Greg: Why?
Me: (getting impatient) Your fish will die..
Greg: I want my fish to die..
Me: What? You want your fish to die?Why?
Greg: Mummy, can you get me new fish if my fish die?
Me: Nope. Now go keep the fish food or I am going to get really angry.
Sigh..maybe he's still too young to feel responsible for the fish.. I wonder if it's the right thing for me to get him the fishes now..

A 'Not-So-Negative' Poem to Share

I am working today. I took MRT to CKTang during lunch to see if I could get Greg some formal clothes (because he has at least two wedding dinners to attend in December). On my way back to office, there was this pair of mother-son sitting diagonally opposite me in the train. Son was trying to concentrate on his handheld game whereas the Mother was teasing and distracting him. Son asked his mother to stop but she didn't. Son got quite angry and shouted at his mother when he lost his game. I guess the Mother must have felt a loss of face and she started whacking the boy from MRT and all the way to Square Two (they alighted at the same stop as I). I pitied the boy, really. Just thought that he didn't deserve so much repeated "physical humiliation" in public by his mother. Sigh... I thought the Mother was also naive and childish. She should have stopped making fun of her son once she knew she was irritating him. I believe I would never do such a thing to my kids... aiyo... or is it too early to say?... hahaha..

I am generally slowing myself down. Mood swings I still have but I guess the next poem that I would like to share isn't too negative.. haha. Here it is..

Do what makes you happy

So that your life doesn't feel empty

Be with who makes you smile

It helps to forget problems and make them seem so mild.

Laugh as much as you can

Remember that life can be shorter than counting from one to ten

Learn to cherish what you have

Love as much, as if you do not have much time left.

"I Don't Want To Go Back To School"

Originally, KengYong and I planned to send Greg back to his childcare today but apparently the hfmd outbreak at his childcare centre has not been cleared. Greg has stopped going to school since last Tuesday and I noticed that he's getting too comfortable at home. He's now quite resistant to the idea of returning to school, his reason being "my house is nice and fun". We have received phone calls from the school today and yesterday that there are still children getting hfmd, so I guess we have to keep Greg at home for the next few days.

Anyway, today, Greg's form teacher T. Roze called. Greg, thinking that it was his daddy, ran to pick up the phone while I was preparing his lunch. I saw him keeping very quiet when he picked up the phone and I took the phone away from him. It was then that I realized his teacher called to give an update of the hfmd situation at childcare. Greg appeared very anxious after I put down the phone and kept asking why his teacher called.

Greg: Mummy, why Teacher Roze called me?

Me: What did teacher roze say to you?

Greg: I don't know. But why mummy? Why t roze called? T Roze wants me to go school?

Me: (laugh) You think so?

Greg: (nod his head) ...but I don't want to go to school.

Oh no! I seriously think that I would have a big problem sending him back to childcare when the place is cleared.

Saachi's mummy (Saachi is one of Greg's childcare mates) shared with me her way of getting Saachi motivated to return to school after a week of their overseas vacation. I decided to try her method on Greg.

Me: Greggie, remember just now T. Roze called? She said she misses you and she cried. She wanted to see you.

Greg: T. Roze cried?

Me: Ya. How about you going back to school to "sayang" her?

Greg: But I don't want to go back to school... (paused for a while) I think T. Roze'd better come to my house Mummy.

Me: ???

Sigh... this plan doesn't work... I guess I have to think of other ways now..

Still Waiting..

Greg dozed off at home yesterday at about 2pm and it was raining cats and dogs. I decided to go for my gynae appointment at 2+pm without him. I did tell Greg in the morning that I would be going to see doctor and he could follow me if he's not napping. Anyway, I instructed Yanti to give me a ring when Greg woke up, and hurriedly I dashed off to KKH. Had my CTG done and my contractions were found to be erratic still. Gynae did a vaginal examination and my cervix has only dilated 1.5cm. Aiyo, 0.5cm more from last week. The progress seemed extremely slow. When I returned home, Greg had woken up already and was playing the Lego blocks with Yanti.

Greg: Mummy, you saw doctor at the hospital already?

Me: Yup. Why?

Greg: The doctor never take didi out yet? (To mentally prepare Greg, I told him a few days ago that I have to go hospital one day to "take didi out" and I have to stay in the hospital for a few days).

Me: No. Didi doesn't want to come out yet.

Greg: Why? The doctor is naughty?

Me: Har? Doctor naughty? What do you mean?

Greg: If doctor gives didi a sweet, didi may want to come out you know...

Me: (laughed out loud) Greggie, I don't think didi knows how to eat sweet yet.

Greg: Ohhh... how about I ask didi to come out?

Me: ok... you can try...

Greg: (with his eye brows knitted and arms crossed, looking at my tummy) Didi, you better come out fast!

Me: Why you talk so angrily to didi?

Greg: Oooh... (bent forward to talk to my tummy softly)... didi, can you please come out? I have sweet for you.

Me: Haha.. why do you want didi to come out now?

Greg: I want to hold didi's hand you know.. very nice one.

Well, I am sharing this conversation between Greg and I with you because I thought he's an amazingly sweet boy. =) Hope he and his didi will get along fine in future.

I had some blood discharge in evening yesterday and some cramps. They went off in the night and all was well till this morning when I started bleeding again. I am really unsure if they are caused by the gynae examination or it's the "show". Anyway, I guess I have to keep monitoring the symptoms... I am just concerned about rushing to the hospital too late and had to give birth to the baby in the car/ cab, and worse...at the void deck! Aiyo...or maybe I am thinking too much already... *keeping my fingers crossed and hoping all goes well*

I Am Still Around!

Ooooh... I am getting somewhat anxious. Friends and relatives kept sms-ing me if I have given birth. My contractions are still irregular, and the baby has not shown any signs in wanting to face the world yet.I am getting nervy about it because the baby is growing bigger, and I am indeed concerned that he may be too big for me to push out if he drags any longer.Of course, I do experience a lot of back aches, heartburn and making frequent trips to the restroom. Sigh sigh sigh.. my tummy does seem to have been over-stretched and I am simply exhausted.

Well, I keep telling self to enjoy my pregnancy and to appreciate that the baby is still swimming happily inside me. I believe I am going to miss him inside me when he's out. In addition, I think my hands are going to be very full and I would have another set of challenging issues to manage when he's out. Just hope that he's going to be a healthy little boy and that he gets along well with everyone in the family, especially Gregory. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything is going to be fine.

1cm Dilated Already!

I went for my gynae check on Monday when I was coming to 9.5months into pregnancy and Gynae said my cervix has dilated 1cm already! I was shocked and I thought this was fast. It took me three days to dilate that 1cm upon induction when I had Greg. Well, people always say that the subsequent pregnancies are always different from the first one and my muscles must have been a lot more laxed now after Greg wormed his way out in February 2005.

I had quite bad contractions on Monday evening, and I was so worried that I might pop any time. KengYong left on a business trip on Monday night so I sms-ed Rina to "stand-by" for a couple of days to help me with care of Greg if I pop. I also took a couple of days of MC to monitor my contractions and rest. Interestingly, my contractions have somewhat ceased.. perhaps it's because I laid in bed as much as I could. Well, I am glad that KengYong is back now and I am also back at work today. I hope to walk more so that my cervix dilates faster. However, many medical colleagues were shocked to see that I was back at work today because they felt that my tummy could "explode" anytime. My back sure aches more and baby seems very active moving around when I am at work.

It was kind of KengYong to take leave to spend sometime with Greg today. We couldn't bring Greg in to the childcare today because apparently there was a small outbreak of tummy flu and hand foot mouth disease at his school. Sigh. He was with me at home when I was on MC for the past two days. Greg cannot afford to be sick at this time just in case I go into labour, and KengYong may have a hard time managing us both. I guess I may have to take MC for tomorrow again so that I can keep Greg at home. How nice if my mum and dad are around.. life would certainly be a lot easier for me if they are present. *SAD*

Thanks to those who have sms-ed/ called me thinking that I could have popped... I would certainly keep you posted once baby is out!

Sentosa On Sunday

Greg had been pestering us to bring him to Sentosa. KengYong and I were wondering how he came to know about this place, as we have not talked about it, and the last time we took him there via cable car was when he was about 1 year+. Anyway, we promised to bring him to Sentosa on Sunday morning if the weather was good. Greg was happy admiring the environment around when he was in the cable car, but I think he's a little scared because he kept asking KengYong to hold him. After the cable car ride, we drove in to Sentosa because Greg wanted to play sand on the beach. We went to Siloso Beach and on our way to the beach, he spotted the place where he could play Luge. He insisted that he wanted to play Luge with KengYong after his sand play.

Greg's height was measured at the Luge station where KengYong purchased the tickets, and was re-measured again before he and KengYong took the "sky-bench" up. Apparently, the minimum height for the kids to play was 90cm if accompanied by adults and luckily, Greg's height is slightly above 90cm (sigh! He didn't grow much!). Actually, I was quite worried about him taking the "sky-bench" up because the staff said they could not do much if Greg decided not to sit on it half way through. Anyway, I guess I was overly worried for nothing. Greg seemed brave enough to take it, and he nodded his head when I asked him if he really wanted to do it just before he hopped onto the "sky-bench". Well, he appeared thrilled to be able to take Luge with KengYong when I received them at the end point and Greg had wanted to go another time!
Greg: Mummy, you go up with me can?
Me: No. Mummy can't.
Greg: Why? Your tummy too big?
Me: Yes. Mummy has didi inside. Not safe for Mummy to play the Luge. Next time ok? When Didi comes out, Mummy takes the Luge with you.
Greg: Why Didi so long still doesn't wanna come out??? *pulling a long face*

Anyway, just before he napped at home, he asked if his cousins (Edwin, Roy, Xian, Regine and Reuben) can go Sentosa and take Luge with him the next time.. hmmm.. I guess I should organize one family gathering at Sentosa when Edwin returns from his China exchange programme trip. It should be fun! =)

Greg's First Few Proper Drawings

Instead of doodling on paper, I noticed that Greg's drawings have become more purposeful over the past couple of weeks. Since he was one, he started drawing lines from circles to form balloons, and drawing lines to match shapes. Of late, he requested that I showed him how to do proper drawing. I have drawn him pictures of man (e.g., stick figures), house, sun, dog, fish and tree in simplified form. Interestingly, I noticed that he has made some attempts to draw them on his own. Picture on the left: He asked if he could draw me just now. He asked me to sit still while he was trying to "sketch" me. It was quite a good attempt though he didn't draw me any legs/ mouth/ nose! Afterall, this is his first drawing of a stick figure and I thought he drew "me" pretty well! Picture on the right: His first tree drawn.



KengYong and I are left-handers. Strangely, Greg isn't. Well, Greg certainly makes a better artist than KengYong and I, doesn't he?

O'Kids Spot on Saturday Morning

After the fun we had at Delta Sports Complex on the Thursday that passed, Rina and I decided to meet at O'Kids Spot at Orchid Country Club on Saturday morning. It's another indoor playground - it's scale is bigger than the one at Atlantis but smaller than Gogobambini. As usual, I missed out the fun.. I could only be the photographer while the rest had fun climbing here and sliding there. Both Rina and KengYong still prefer the indoor playground at Gogobambini to the one at O'Kids Spot. KengYong found the tunnels in the latter too small and frustrating for an adult to crawl whereas Rina felt that the playground at Gogobambini has more cushion and is safer. Greg had some bruises after playing at O'Kids Spot (e.g., on the right side of his face, knees and elbows). Aiyo... doubt we would go O'Kids Spot again. However, I think little Regine has a different verdict from the rest; Though she's so young and small, she's always so adventurous to climb, crawl and slide, even at great heights. She's often spotted running about in the playground with a wide smile on her face! =)

A Fun Deepavali Morning

Rina and I had originally arranged to visit the Zoo on Deepavali morning but it rained. So we decided to explore the new SOL playground cafe at Turf City. It was such a big disappointment. It did have an indoor play area and an outdoor playground. Unfortunately, the playground outside was wet and the toys in the play area were either lousy or were out of order. Besides, the staff took a long time to serve us our drinks and I thought their food isn't cheap. At first we thought of moving on to Gogobambini but we had been there too many times and I believed it's going to be very crowded on a public holiday. Anyway, our final decision is to bring Regine and Greg to Atlantis at Delta Sports Complex. It's Greg's second time visiting the Atlantis. Greg had a great time playing there, because Rina and Regine joined in the fun. It's always more fun and merrier when there are more people you know play with you. Too bad I could not join in... *sobsob*

Teacher's Birthday

Teacher Roze's birthday falls on 13 Nov. However, she would be not around at school from Deepavali till end of next week. Teacher Roze is one devoted teacher at learning vision and I know she usually puts in her very best in her work role. Greg is fortunate to have her as his form teacher and I can see that all the kids in her class love her a lot. Anyway, Susanna (another mummy) and I decided to spring her a little birthday surprise yesterday morning because that's the only day this week that she started work at 7am. Got her a slice of chocolate cake from CHOCZ because Sue said Teacher Roze loves chocolate. Greg and I met Edna (Greg's classmate) and Sue at 7:45am outside the childcare centre. We stuck the candle in the little cake and got Greg and Edna to bring it to Teacher Roze. I guess it's still too early in the morning, and everyone looked as though they have just woken up. KengYong was the photographer and aiyoooo... he only managed to take one shot! Well, he said everything happened too quickly and he didn't have time to get a good angle woh.... anyway, hope Teacher Roze liked the little surprise yesterday morning.

Also, thanks to Teacher Maeve (Greg's ex-Shichida teacher and she's a great MayDay fan) again for providing me with lots of information on MayDay albums. Teacher Roze likes one of the MayDay songs and originally I thought of getting her that CD (with that song) as a birthday gift. Luckily I checked with Teacher Roze and found out that she has that CD already. Then I thought I could get her other MayDay albums, but I couldn't quite appreciate those fast beat songs (don't mean to offend you Teacher Maeve... I think I am too old for those songs but I do believe their songs are nice). Anyway, I decided not to get any albums because I doubt Teacher Roze is a true MayDay fan. Eventually, after much thought, I got her something else with a little poem on it. Yanti taught Greg how to say Happy Birthday to Teacher Roze in Malay but ended up Greg preferred to say "Selamat Hari Raya"..aiyo, so I didn't dare to ask Greg to say it to Teacher Roze just in case he said it wrongly.. anyway, Greg was quite upset about me getting such a small cake for his teacher and he came to "confront" me yesterday evening..

Greg: Mummy, why is there only one little cake for Teacher Roze?

ME: It's Teacher Roze's birthday, so that cake is for her. Teacher Roze cannot finish the whole cake if we get that.

Greg: But I don't have.

ME: It's not your birthday Greggie.

Greg: But I want to eat the cake...

ME: I'll get you one next time ok..

Greg: Teacher Roze also never share the cake with me..

ME: I told you the cake is for Teacher Roze, not for you. It's not your birthday..

Greg: But Teacher Roze never eat the cake..

ME: Maybe Teacher Roze eats it later..

Greg: I never see..

I guess he must be eyeing the cake the whole day yesterday... poor fellow. I think I shall go get him one later.. hmmm...

Still Can't Let Go..

One relative of mine sms-ed me to say that she read my blog (especially those on my parents) and she cried. I felt sad instantly. I felt sad because it triggered my sad memories. Even now when I attempt to read my older posts, tears start welling up in my eyes again. It has been five months since Mum has left. I may have moved on with my life superficially, but deep down inside me, there's still this strong streak of sadness. It has never been easy for me to let things go.. I am probably just waiting for time to heal my emotions. Anyway, I just want to apologize to those who have been upsetted by my blog or if my entries have made you cry. I really didn't mean it.

A few days ago, I had a mid 50s female patient who saw me in my clinic. I just thought that she's one of those who are so fortunate. She has a perfect family (including both her elderly parents, husband and three grown up sons) and her life has been smooth sailing until her mother-in-law died sometime mid this year. It's the first time she experienced the loss of a loved one and the first time she saw a dead body. I know it's not possible but how nice if everyone experiences losses only at a later stage of their life. Or maybe it doesn't make any difference. I don't know. On the other end, I have a friend (about the same age as I) who has had lost her father-in-law, mother and mother-in-law within this year. The deaths of her in-laws were sudden. I also wonder how she and her husband cope.. well, I believe there are worse cases in this world.

I am not trying to compare here, but I believe everyone has their own lives to lead and our lives are so different from one another. Though I miss my parents terribly (sometimes I even deceived myself that they went on a very long trip to somewhere. How silly right?), I try not to engage in self-pity and hopefully, yes hopefully one day I could move on "fully" with my life.. Honestly speaking, I just can't help but to envy people at my age who still have both parents/ at least a parent with them.. well, I am just not one of the fortunate ones I guess.

Weekend Hotel Stay

KengYong had a free one night stay offer at Ritz Carlton Hotel Singapore and we decided to use it this weekend. We thought we had better used it before our second boy decides to make his appearance into this world. On Saturday morning, we were busy packing our luggage and even for a night stay at the hotel, we had to lug so many things there. Of course, most of them belong to Gregory. I really cannot imagine how many luggages we have to bring along with us if we were to travel overseas with two boys for more than two days in future! Below is a picture of Gregory enthusiastically pulling the big luggage bag out of the house.. he has packed his stuffed toy dog and giraffe into the little orange haversack he's carrying. It's a must that he bring them along...otherwise, he would not be able to sleep well.

We arrived at the hotel at about 12+pm. The ambience there was grand and nice. We were given apple juice/ strawberry iced tea on arrival, and free flow of cookies. The room was also quite big and comfortable. Greg was so excited that he couldn't nap so we brought him down for a swim.













After his swim, he took a nap while KengYong and I decided to shop around Marina Square. Our helper kept an eye on Greg while we went shopping but Greg napped for no more than an hour that afternoon. Yanti called us to inform that Greg has woken up. I guess he's too excited about the stay in the hotel. Anyway, to keep him entertained before we had our dinner, we walked around the Millenia Walk and Marina Square. Greg went into a shop and I was showing him a big black scarf. He said if the scarf were to be put around his head, he would look like Teacher Salimah (one of the teachers in his childcare who wears tudung). Yanti laughed and without hesitation, she folded the scarf and placed it on Greg's head. I quickly dished out my camera and took a photo...haha.. he looked quite girlish with the "tudung" on, and he kept saying that he's "teacher salimah"... I wonder how Teacher Salimah would feel if she knows about it..

We met Rina for dinner at Imperial, Marina Square before we headed to the little play area at Kiddy Palace, so as to keep little Regine and Gregory occupied. Below on the left is the picture of Rina enjoying her food, taken by Gregory. Photo of Greg and Regine on a swing is on the right.

It was indeed a tiring Saturday for me. I was so exhausted by 9pm but Greg was still so full of energy despite the fact that he only napped for less than an hour that afternoon. Anyway, I woke up at about 8am on Sunday whilst KengYong and Greg were still snoring away. I decided to use the hotel's bathtub to have a relaxing morning bath. See picture below: I filled up the tub with water and the bath salt (provided by the hotel).

I had a quick shower at the shower area, and as I made my way to the bathtub, suddenly someone opened the toilet door (cannot be locked) and said, "Mummy, what are you doing?"... aiya... there went my relaxing morning bath! *sobsob* Still, I jumped into the water, and soaked myself for a while before I decided to change into my clothes. How I wish he could sleep longer.. always waking up at the wrong time!

Asked Greg how he felt about the trip, he said "I am so tired. Even dogdog and giraffe are tired". I asked him how he knew his stuffed toys were tired... and well, he showed me a photo he took (see below).. hmmm..
Well, it is indeed a tiring weekend for Greg, KengYong and I though it was just a one night hotel stay in Singapore. However, it's certainly a weekend different from the ones we usually have. =)

I'm Back!

Some of you thought I have "popped" because I had no entries for the past few days... well, I am still around, and my little baby is still swimming happily within me. I had not been able to blog for the past few days because I was attending a Schema Therapy Course at GrandCopthorne Hotel during the day and I was so exhausted by evening that I didn't have much energy to do anything else but to laze on my bed. I had wanted to attend the course back in 1999 when it was conducted in Australia, but I was a poor postgraduate student then. I had to give the course a miss because I had difficulties with my daily expenses when I was doing my masters there and I didn't think it was nice to ask my father to transfer more money into my account. Heehee, I am glad that I am still able to attend it after so many years... =)

By the way, if you know me well enough, you know that I usually sms friends and relatives quite frequently... just to find out how they are. I have a friend whom I met when I was in Australia back in 1998. He was my Secondary school friend's younger brother and during that time when I left for Brisbane to do my Masters, his sister contacted me and requested that I kept an eye on him. He's my little sister's age, and even till now I can still recall those times he cycled down to my house to study/ chat after school. Well, we were constantly in contact when we returned to Singapore in 2000, and he was doing really well in his work and love life. He was in this long distant relationship with a Thai girl, and they planned to get married late last year. My dad passed away in June last year. He called to apologize that he was unable to attend the wake because he was getting married at the end of the year, and that he couldn't invite me for his wedding. Well, I was fine with that and I could understand where he was coming from. Neither would I want to bring any ill luck to him. Nevertheless, we drifted apart after that. I had many issues to deal with myself since Dad's passing (e.g., my abortion, Mum's unwell etc etc) and he was probably busy preparing for his wedding. Mum passed away in June this year and he knew it through his sister. He came with his sister to the wake. I asked him about his married life but I was shocked and upset when he told me his wife passed away last year in the car accident when he was driving in Thailand. Life was so unpredictable.. I still remember him feeling so happy and excited about his wedding, and never little would I expect that such an unfortunate thing would happen to him. He did go through a lot of pain and suffering but I believe his family would always be there for him. I didn't know why but I suddenly felt that I needed to sms him yesternight, just to see how he is in general. He replied in his sms that yesterday was his wife's first death anniversary. I felt so sorry. Also I didn't know it's his wife's death anniversary yesterday. I sincerely hope that he could stand up strong again one day.

It's indeed one great loss one could experience in life and it's something not easy to grapple with. I don't know if I were him I could be as strong as him to be able to move on with my life. Somehow his life story has reminded me that it's very important to cherish what one has, and not lament on what one doesn't have. Try not to make comparisons to create stress and distress for self and if possible, be contented with self and life.. no one and no life is perfect..

Good or Bad?

On weekday mornings, Greg loves to make a detour to my office in B1 then take an escalator up to level 3 before climbing up two long flight of stairs to arrive at his childcare. Level 3 is the Day Surgery Department and Greg always have this idea that any patients driven in by an ambulance would be taken to this department. This morning, he kept looking into that department, as if he was searching for someone.
ME: Hurry Up Greg. Mummy's late for work already.
GREG: Oh... ok.
ME: Who are you looking at?
GREG: Teacher Roze's brother is in hospital, Mummy.
ME: Teacher Roze's brother?
GREG: Err... no. I think it's Teacher Roze's mummy.
ME: Har? Teacher Roze's Mummy?
GREG: Yes Mummy,it's Teacher Roze's mummy. Teacher Roze is very upset you know..

I was shocked to hear these from little Gregory this morning. I do know his teacher has been going through a rough patch of late, but I have not shared the details with him. Neither do I think Teacher Roze would display her emotions in front of the young children. I really wonder how did he know his teacher was upset.. Anyway, I checked with his teacher and she said her boyfriend's grandmother was hospitalized. She added that the children and her made a get well card yesterday for her boyfriend's grandmother..Hmm...

Anyway, I thought Greg was too emotionally sensitive. I know he could empathize pretty well at his young age, and I wonder if I should be blamed for making him mature so early. I was three months pregnant with him when Mum started to become quite ill and I cried a lot throughout my pregnancy.Gregory isn't even three years old yet but over the past two years, there had been so many unfortunate events happened within my family. I believe these experiences did have an impact on him, directly or indirectly. I am glad that he understands emotions and could empathize well so young, but I am not sure if it's a good thing that he matures so quickly in this aspect..this sets me thinking if the mood of the pregnant mother does affect the personality of the baby.. what do you think?

Some thoughts..

A close relative of mine has been feeling low. She's like a mother to me, and when she called me to share her woes with me, I felt so helpless. I guess the only thing I could do is to just lend her my listening ear. She was so close to Mum that they used to share so many secrets over teleconversations. Now that Mum's gone, I could also sense that she felt lost. Anyway, Rina and I decided to take half a day off to go visit her at home yesterday. She was so delighted that she cooked so much for our lunch - there's teochew pomfret, spicy curry chicken, lotus soup and vegetables with ikan bilis. She must have guessed that Rina and I had not been having all these delicacies for some time. I love homecooked food, and have not tasted such nice foods since Mum's gone. We spent the whole afternoon with her at her house. I could feel my heart pierced when she broke down in front of us eventually. At that moment, I wondered if I had ever upsetted my own Mum before.. I think I would not be able to forgive myself if I ever witness Mum cry over some of the things I have/ have not done. Sometimes, we do not know how/ have forgotten to cherish someone until we have lost that someone. Quite sad huh?... and I suppose it's pointless crying over split milk/ feeling guilty only when the loss sets in.

Of course, when it comes to work and seeing my own patients, I am able to draw the line very clearly, and so far, I have not been emotionally affected in my job. Somehow, it's just so different when things happened to people close to me. I will get somewhat affected when I come to know that these people are feeling sad and inside me, I feel that I need to do something to help. Hmm... not good this way because it seems to me that I could only be happy if people around me who are close to me are happy..well, I guess afterall I am only a normal human being.. and I do not live alone in this world.

Thanks to Teacher Maeve!

I have lost touch with Chinese songs ever since I have Greg. I guess I now know more about Barney and Hi5 songs than any other songs. Isn't that quite sad? Nevertheless, I came across this Chinese song "Too Much" by "Chen2 Qi3 Zhen1" in Teacher Maeve's blog and I love it instantly. To me, this song could stir up many emotions and inspiration. It's also quite relaxing to hear at the end of a hard day's work I feel. Let me know if you like it too ya?

According to Teacher Maeve, the CD isn't available in market at the moment but she's kind enough to email me the html of this song before she changes her song in her blog to another of her favourite song. Heehee.. thanks Teacher Maeve! It's really nice of you! =)

Lesson Learnt: Never Assume

Last evening after dinner, Greg came to me and said he wanted to pass motion. I brought him to the toilet and put him on his kiddy cover over the adult toilet bowl. When he heard a "thud" sound,

Greg: Mummy, I passed out one already you know. Can you hear that?
Me: Yes. I can hear it.
Greg: Mummy, can I come down and see my poo-poo in the water?
Me: Well, ok..
I helped Greg down and he went "aaaahhh" when he was watching his faeces.
Me: Come on Greg, enough. Time for Mummy wash your backside.
Greg: Ok..
Greg walked into the shower area and squatted down. After washing his buttocks, I went to wash my hands with dettol at the washing basin. I noticed that he was still squatting at the shower area.
Me: Hello Greg. I have finished washing your backside and you can come out already.
Greg: Oh... ok.
Greg walked out of the shower area, and it's only then I noticed one cute lump of faeces on the floor in the area where he squatted.
Me: Har? You poopoo again?
Greg: Mummy, I never say I finish poopoo just now... Mummy also never ask me..

Well, what he said was so innocently true. Greg had only requested to come down from the toilet seat to have a look at his faeces and he didn't say that he has finished poopoo-ing. Sigh.. I guess I have also overlooked and assumed that he has completed doing his "big business" then... I should have asked him... aiyo...what a mess he has created but it isn't his fault, is it?

Stop Plagiarism

I received a sms from my cousin this morning, asking me if it's ok for her to put my poem in her blog. I am absolutely fine with that if my permission has been sought and the source cited. I have been feeling quite disturbed over the past few weeks to learn from a few friends that they have seen my poems (or poems quite similar to mine) published in other blogs. It's not that I think my poems are very good or that I am not keen to share. I really wonder how could anyone in this world use my poems, simply change some words and pass them off as theirs.. this is plagiarism ok!! It's like someone has stolen something personal from me and I sincerely hope that these people could show me some respect in this area. Sigh... I guess there's nothing much that I can do about it right?.. =(

Wish I Could Turn Back the Clock

We had dinner with my father-in-law in Punggol yesterday evening and decided to head to Compass Point after that because Greg wanted to play some games at TimeZone. KengYong, Father-in-law and Greg headed for TimeZone, whereas Yanti and I did some grocery shopping at Cold Storage. I walked past Eu Yan Sen and decided to get some Chinese herbs for my confinement period after delivery.

As Yanti and I were looking around, I saw another pregnant woman discussing with her mother the types of herbs to buy for her confinement. Instantaneously, I could sense tears welling up in my eyes and all of the sudden, I felt very down. Many thoughts rushed to my mind, and I had to slow myself down to sort my thoughts out. While waiting to make payment, the shop staff must have been shocked to see my eyes red and wet. So was Yanti. She was asking me some things and when she realized that I looked sad, she kept quiet. I was trying so hard to hold my emotions back but I noticed that I was sniffing away and swallowing lots of saliva down. Anyway, Yanti was kind enough to leave me alone and helped me carry my bags of grocery and herbs.

Well, what was wrong with me? I believe deep within me, I still miss my parents. I didn't have to worry a thing previously because I knew that with them around, they would settle everything for me from A-Z. I wouldn't forget that when I had Greg, Mum would make sure that I had a balanced meal all the time and I got to eat whatever tonics she felt necessary. Neither would I be able to erase those memories in which Pa was always buying me fresh foods and brought them all the way down to my house in SengKang during my confinement period more than once a week. Perhaps I had taken many things for granted previously, and I had not been independent enough all these years. Well, it's going to be difficult but I guess I need to remind myself that my confinement period at the end of this year will be different. Hopefully, I do not get postnatal depression. =(

On second thought, I am blessed to have such good parents for the past 30 odd years. Though I may not stand out amongst my three other siblings, I do believe they cared for us in their own ways. Pearl, being the eldest child, had been apparently the princess whom my parents most doted on. Raymond comes next. He's the only son and the one who has the highest academic achievements throughout his schooling years. Of course, he's my parents' hot favourite! Next is me. The "cry baby", as Raymond used to tease me. Just an ordinary child (though some described me as rebellious) and the only one who is left-handed in the family. Last is my little sister, Rina. A child whom my parents worried least (and she's a gem too!) because Mum believed she's generally very matured and understanding since young. She's also the one who played a major role in the care of Mum when Mum was ill. Sigh..Now that both my parents are gone, they seem so near.. but yet so far away.. *sob sob*

Another picture of me with Mum and Dad, on the morning of my wedding day, before I put on my wedding gown. I realized that I didn't have many photos with Mum and Dad when they were around.. how nice if I could turn back the clock..

My Saturday..

Greg has suddenly requested to sit on the adult toilet bowl when he wanted to pass motion this morning and yes, he managed to poo successfully without any fear.. he has been using his little potty all these while. Hurray! I don't have scrub and wash his potty anymore! Heehee. I could sense his pride in his little achievement this morning and I am also proud of him! Well done, Gregory!

We decided to go airport this morning to spring KengYong a surprise. Originally we had to attend a housewarming gathering at a friend's house, but we decided to detour to the airport first. KengYong didn't know we were at the airport waiting for him, and Greg was so thrilled when he met his daddy. I guess he must have missed KengYong for the past four days.

(Above pictures: Greg was happily waiting for his daddy and keeping a lookout for him. Pictures in the second row: Left - Greg was more concerned with the gift his daddy has got for him than anything else. Right - Greg helped KengYong manage his luggage). Hmmm... I wonder how KengYong felt about this surprise that we have sprung on him..

Well, we didn't miss the fun at HuiSan's housewarming gathering. We managed to arrive there at about 11am. Greg met some of his classmates there - Rayhan and Edna and they had a great time together. Kovan Melody is indeed quite nice place. The playground is so well-liked by the kids and this condominium has many fun pools. Last but not least, I must say HuiSan has a warm and cozy home. I had a great time there too! =)

My Saturday morning passed very quickly... *sob sob* it'd be my working Saturday next week..