Goodbye 2007

2007 has finally come to an end. I have received so many sms greetings to wish me all the best for the coming year. Don't know why, I just felt so difficult to let 2007 go. Mum's demise is still a chapter that I have yet closed. She has been gone for slightly more than half a year but in my heart, she seems to still be around. Sometimes it felt as if she had just gone on a very long holiday and she has not returned. I miss Pa too. I can't help but keep wondering how and where they are now.. I so so miss their presence and laughter. How I miss the times we were together..* SOB SOB* They are so far far away from me now.

Gareth Turns One Month Old!

Gareth turns one month old!Heehee.. that also marks the end of my one month confinement! Yippee! Anyway, my confinement lady left yesterday.. and there are quite a few things she did that I hope I could undo (e.g., carrying baby a lot - told her off but she still continued doing so). I was so worried that I had to carry Gareth throughout the night last night, but I was glad that it wasn't as bad as I thought. Gareth seems a bit more difficult to look after as a baby than Gregory. Hope things will get better with time.

It's Christmas

How time flies.. the year is coming to an end, and Christmas is here. Sigh.. no Christmas shopping or parties at friends' place for me this year because I am still doing my confinement. Well, I decided to hold a family gathering at my place for Christmas instead. My family always had Christmas gatherings (for fun because we are not Christians) but we stopped celebrating it when Dad passed away more than a year ago. *SOB SOB*. I could still remember Mum was lying in hospital last Christmas, and I was doing "afternoon care duty". Bought her a black sweater and she was delighted. She loved the sweater so much that no matter where she goes, she would bring it along. This year, my siblings and I gathered at my place that evening, but the atmosphere was never the same any more. The absence of my parents was still greatly felt. I really wonder how Ma and Pa are now.. I miss the last Christmas gathering my family had and I guess I will never ever have such fun any more.

I Am Back to Breastfeeding Again!

Heehee.. I have decided to return to breastfeeding again. I surfed the internet quite a fair bit on some breastfeeding forums and I thought I should give it another shot as my main reason for ceasing my supply wasn't because I didn't have enough breastmilk.I have also gathered a lot of support from friends (of course not to forget my younger sister who had breastfed her daughter for 18months) who breastfed/ are breastfeeding their kids and yes, I was convinced to return to total breastfeeding Gareth again. Oh my, I was so anxious about not having enough to feed Gareth at first yesterday because I had introduced formula milk for the past few days. I even got KengYong to help me buy Fenugreek. Well, I am glad that it gets a lot better today. Gareth seems more satisfied after each feed, and I truly felt that my efforts put in have been paid off so far.

One primary reason why I decided to fully breastfeed Gareth again is because he's going to attend infant care when I return to work. I really hope that his immunity could be strengthened via my breastmilk. Sigh.. but Gregory told me that he didn't want my milk - he said he still has his tin of milk powder..haha. Thanks to all my friends and relatives who have encouraged me to return to breastfeeding again. Well, at least now I could tell myself that I have done all that I could to give the best to both my boys..

So Unpredictable!

I have not been sleeping well for the past few nights.. Gareth's sleep and feeding pattern has suddenly changed. It started about three nights ago, when he dozed off in less than 5minutes each time I latched him onto my breast for his feed. I had tried ways to wake him up (e.g., change his diaper, put him on the bed etc) but to no avail. He wasn't like that few days ago! Naturally, I had to put him back into his cot so that he could continue sleeping. However, he would wake up in less than half an hour. Confinement lady kept saying that my breastmilk isn't sufficient (though I didn't have the problem during the first 2 weeks when Gareth arrived) and had wanted me to express my milk. I wasn't keen to do so because of some bad experiences I went through when I first had Gregory. Anyway, I allowed the confinement lady to give formula milk just to test her hypothesis. Apparently, Gareth still woke up in 30minutes after feed. He startled easily, and we have also tried ways to solve this problem (e.g., put beansprout pillow on his chest - but he kicked it up to cover his face.. oh my gosh!; swaddled him but he would struggle to free both his hands - confinement lady suggested tying his hands to his body using a cloth but I strongly objected; on soft music but it didn't help). Confinement lady then suggested bathing the baby in "red flower water" but it didn't seem effective either. Finally last night she asked me if I had "talisman"... aiyo! I guess that must be her very last resort. Even when I asked her if Gareth is experiencing some wind in the tummy, she told me the baby cot may not be suitable for Gareth! Oh my gosh, the first thought that came to my mind was that she wasn't objective and she didn't seem experienced as a confinement lady. Frankly speaking, my primary concern is that Gareth has enough sleep. Sms-ed my friends who are experienced mummies, and yes, I am going to try to put Gareth on his tummy when he has his nap during the day so that I could monitor him and ensure that he doesn't get suffocated. I am now keeping my fingers crossed that this would work. Well, how about his sleep at night then? Hmm.. I am going to just take one step at a time. If it really works and is deemed safe after some days of monitoring, then I may put him on his tummy to sleep at night.

I am also thinking of slowly having my breastmilk ceased. After what happened during the past three nights, I guess because of the insufficient rest I had and the bottles of formula milk introduced by confinement lady as trials, my milk supply seems to have reduced. Also, I think I have somewhat neglected Greg since Gareth has arrived. I guess I cannot just keep thinking of nursing Gareth or pump out my milk all the time.. I believe motherhood is a lot more than these things. Come to think of it, I just want to be a happy mother and be able to spend quality time with both my boys and hubby. That's all.

"R" and "L"

I wonder if Gareth is a name difficult to pronounce. My confinement lady asked me what my baby's English name is. I told her the name but she pronounced it as "Ga-left". Sigh. Anyway, I said to her that I preferred her to call Gareth by his Chinese name.

Somehow, this reminded me of an incident years ago. At that time, Edwin was only about 5 or 6 years of age. His kindergarten teacher gave him a homework in which he's supposed to bring objects that start with the alphabet "L" to school the next day. Edwin was cared for by my mum then, but he called his mum (Pearl) to inform her about his homework. Pearl only got him a "leaf" and he was so anxious that he revealed to my mum that he needed to bring more than one object that starts with "L" to school. I still remember Mum hurriedly came to me with Edwin in the evening when I was at home to ask me if I know of any other objects that begin with "L".

ME: Hmmm... Lemon? Lime?

Mum: I know! How about Labbit?

ME: Labbit? *Was laughing then*

Edwin: Mama, "Rabbit" starts with "R" not "L"

Mum: Ohhh..

I still can recall the scene quite vividly. Well, can't blame Mum. Afterall, she isn't English educated. But I can tell you that my mum is a great woman. She tutored me (Chinese) till I was Primary School and without her, I believe I wouldn't be able to speak Teochew fluently. =)

Gareth Is Two Weeks Old!

Gareth is two weeks old now...Confinement lady kept complaining that he didn't grow much. Well, I am not too worried. Afterall he's only two weeks old..I guess that's the problem of engaging confinement lady after birth. If I were a first-time mother, I would probably believe her and be very concerned. Also, many confinement ladies are not very pro-breastfeeding. Either they want the mummies to rest more at night or they want more sleep for themselves at night, hence they may keep advocating for formula milk. My confinement lady has four sons but she has never breastfed her children at all. Hmmm... now I just wish my 1 month confinement can quickly pass.

I notice this week Gareth is a lot more alert and he looks actively around the environment though I do not think he could see very far. One thing for sure, he loves looking at his big brother. Gareth could arch his back and turn his head to just have a look at Gregory whenever he hears Greg's voice. Heehee... I have also discovered that Gareth has a different cry when he is hungry and he wants milk - the rhythm of this cry was quite similar to the sound of an ambulance siren. Quite interesting isn't it?

One of my aunties (Mum's youngest sister) popped by to visit me. She stayed in Bukit Batok and she took a cab to come all the way to SengKang. Oh my gosh.. I think she must have spent a lot on cab fare. She bought me so much food, and I could see she loves babies. How nice if she stays near me.. I believe she wouldn't reject babysitting for me but sigh, Bukit Batok is so so far away. But anyway, thanks Xiao Yi, for everything. =)

Some Thoughts..

Greg was sent to school today. Surprisingly, he didn't wail this morning when he left the house. However, I did hear that he cried in school when KengYong left him there. Somehow, the house seems empty without his presence. I feel odd. Hopefully, he gets adjusted to his usual school routine in no time.

Today is my cousin's wedding. Sigh... I cannot attend her wedding dinner as I am still doing my confinement after birth. I still remember the day when I went down to Mum's house during my lunchtime and Mum received a call from my sixth uncle to say that my cousin is getting married. I could see that Mum was so happy for her, but soon after, Mum commented that she may not live long enough to be present at her wedding. She's indeed right, as she ended her battle six months ago. However, I still remember trying to dispute what she said, and kept encouraging her to fight on. I wasn't in denial then but I was hoping so hard for miracles to happen. Miracles do happen, don't they?

Time really flies. Mum's away for half a year and Dad's away for one and half year. I wasn't present at that crucial point of time when both left the world. I had to be informed to rush down to hospital in both cases, and by the time I arrived, they had departed. Departed without saying any last words to me. Quite upset whenever I think about all these. Their absence during birth of Gareth and my confinement was greatly felt. I am grateful to have supportive siblings and genuinely concerned relatives as well as friends who have made my past 12 days bearable. Thank you all so so much.

How nice if Mum and Pa are around.. I believe they would be so proud of the new addition in the family, Gareth and the rest of their 6 grandchildren. Hmmm... maybe Greg shouldn't go to school today. Without him around, I seem to have time to think more..

Baby is 1 Week Old!

Baby has turned a week old! He didn't seem to grow much. Maybe because I see him everyday. He's still jaundiced and has to be monitored every 2-3 days at the polyclinic. Hopefully, his jaundice level comes down fast. Breastfeeding this second baby is a lot easier than when I breastfed Greg. Perhaps it's because Greg had to stay in hospital for about a week after birth because of his severe jaundice level and I didn't get to latch him on directly to my breasts during feeding time on those days he was hospitalized whereas this baby has been with me since Day 1. This baby is also easy to breastfeed because he suckles well. Hopefully I can breastfeed him for at least 6months. See picture of baby below.

KengYong and I have named baby Gareth. It is a Welsh name and it means "gentle". Surprisingly, Greg has also given baby a name. Originally he chose Gareth but now he has changed his mind. I didn't know it until when my elder sister, Pearl asked me if the baby's name is Benedict. She said Greg told her that. Apparently, Greg went around telling people he met (including my neighbours) that his brother's name is Benedict! Well, KengYong said perhaps we should just name baby Benedict. On second thought, we realize that my cousin-in-law is also named Ben. Ahem, so I guess we are going to stick to "Gareth". His Chinese name is Lin Hong2 Jun4.

Pretend Play

Greg loves to imitate what the adults do. Of late, he's quite curious with the process of breastfeeding. He asked plenty of questions about breasts and milk..I believe Greg couldn't remember I breastfed him when he was a baby. Afterall, I only breastfed him till he was four months old.

Greg (pointing to my breast while I was breastfeeding the baby): Mummy, what's this?
Me: It's Mummy's breast.
Greg: What's breast, Mummy?
Me: It's where Mummy's milk come from. Now didi is drinking milk.
Greg: Is breast like milk bottle like that?
Me: Hmmm... you can say that..
Greg: Mummy, can I hold the milk bottle for didi?
Me: Har???..

Interestingly, I caught Greg playing with my breastfeeding pillow when I went out of my room after my baby's feed one night. He was so quiet in my room that I decided to check on him... and to my surprise, he imitated what I did.. and he said his stuffed toy dog is his baby, and he's breastfeeding his dog! Oh my gosh! See picture below..

Greg and Baby

Life with two young boys isn't easy. Gregory gets jealous over his little brother easily, though I can see that he does love his brother. He would display his discontentment whenever I breastfeed baby. He would whine, cry while sitting next to me till I finish breastfeeding the baby. Finally, one day he asked me..

Greg: Mummy, why didi has to drink your milk?

Me: Well Greggie, when you were a baby, Mummy also fed you with my milk. So now Mummy is also feeding didi with Mummy's milk..

Greg: I don't like didi drink your milk. Is it because didi has no small milk bottles? Mummy, I have small milk bottles. I can lend mine to didi. If didi wants my milk powder, I also can give. Just take from the kitchen...

Me: *absolutely stunned*

Though unhappy about the presence of his brother, Greg has never been physically violent (though he could be rough in his touch) towards the baby. He feels bored at home, but he adamantly refuses to return to school. There was once when I told him that he should return to school the next day, he became quite upset about it. Though there was some immediate change in his behaviour (e.g., he would not stop me from breastfeeding his brother, and would even bring the breastfeeding pillow to me; he would also offer the baby one of his pillows! etc), I thought I shouldn't bring up the topic of sending him back to school any more(until when the hfmd situation in school has cleared and it's time for him to return to school) because it felt more like a threat to me. I guess I have to be really careful in managing Greg. He has always been very sensitive and emotional.. probably worse when the second baby is out I feel. I really hope that Greg will adjust fine in no time, and that he and baby would get along well in future.