Down, Down, Down

I am so tired

Or is my mind badly wired?

Desperately struggling to keep afloat

On a constant lookout for a boat.

How alone I sometimes feel

Akin to climbing a steep, high hill

I know I do not possess any high expectation

Because I know it does not always get me to my destination.

I do not want to talk

Not necessarily will it get me out of the fog

Sometimes it is not about finding someone to confide

I now only wish for a hole where I can temporarily hide.

On the outside a book with thick, strong cover

Inside me, only pages of thin paper

Day in day out I slog like mad

An egg I am, I just hope one day I do not crack.

A Sad Orphan

Somehow an orphan is an orphan
With both parents now in heaven
How nice if I have them to turn to
Feeling lost and sometimes clueless like a fool.

Unlike everyone, I know I am different
Within a year, I lost both, not just one parent
It is difficult to understand what I have gone through
Till this very day, over my loss I still feel blue.

Now I have to do everything on my own
I could no longer talk to you by simply picking up my phone
Often I wonder where you are
I know you have gone to a place very very far.

Poem To Share

Coping is often hard

Our mind may not shut

Things do not just happen

Eventually there is something we will learn.

Light after darkness, home after wandering

Gain after loss, happiness after suffering

Stay strong I know you will

It is ok for now you fail.

Pick yourself up each time you fall

This way you may learn more

For life is not a bed of roses

One door may open for you when the other closes.

To My Dearest Daddy

Dear Pa

You left me so unexpectedly

My world crumbled down instantly.

I lost you on a day so near Fathers' Day

A confidante you had always been to me, come what may.

I had never known myself as someone so fortunate

Until you suddenly vanished from our planet.

How I cherish those times we were together

I can only now hold them as memories in my mind forever.

How I miss those mornings you pampered me with good food

I am sorry for the times I was rude.

Thanks Pa, for seeing me through my Masters

As a Father, you had certainly been the greatest.

Happy Fathers' Day.. I really miss you so. How nice if I can see, or hear, or touch you one more time..

Love

Na..

Mother's Day

Dear Ma,

It's Mothers' Day again
This day brings me lots of memories and pain
Remember our surprises that brought you close to tears?
Losing you had been one of my greatest fears.

Last year this time we sprung you another surprise
I wonder if you know but so loud were our cries
Time simply flies so fast
I still find it hard to let go of the past.

I didn't understand your frustrations when I was little
I didn't know life as a mother without help can be so bitter
Now I know being a mother isn't easy
Thanks for having given me a home so warm and cozy.

I have been feeling so lost since you were gone
For your presence has always been longed
Mum, you had been my greatest hero
I really regret that I had not told you so.

Lots of Love

Na..

Mothers' Day is never the same for me, now that Mum is gone. I feel very sad when I see the Vesak Day decorations in the temple near my home. It brings me many sad memories and rekindles my fear of losing my loved one. When Dad died suddenly, I rushed down to NUH in a cab. When Mum died, I drove down quickly to SGH in the middle of the night. Both require me to travel down the tunnels. I hate the tunnels. I dislike going through it. It took me quite sometime to be able to use those two tunnels without tears. Time flies. One year has passed. Just wanna say to Mum, "I really miss you. I am sorry that I have upsetted you so many times throughout my 34 years with you. "

A 'Not-So-Negative' Poem to Share

I am working today. I took MRT to CKTang during lunch to see if I could get Greg some formal clothes (because he has at least two wedding dinners to attend in December). On my way back to office, there was this pair of mother-son sitting diagonally opposite me in the train. Son was trying to concentrate on his handheld game whereas the Mother was teasing and distracting him. Son asked his mother to stop but she didn't. Son got quite angry and shouted at his mother when he lost his game. I guess the Mother must have felt a loss of face and she started whacking the boy from MRT and all the way to Square Two (they alighted at the same stop as I). I pitied the boy, really. Just thought that he didn't deserve so much repeated "physical humiliation" in public by his mother. Sigh... I thought the Mother was also naive and childish. She should have stopped making fun of her son once she knew she was irritating him. I believe I would never do such a thing to my kids... aiyo... or is it too early to say?... hahaha..

I am generally slowing myself down. Mood swings I still have but I guess the next poem that I would like to share isn't too negative.. haha. Here it is..

Do what makes you happy

So that your life doesn't feel empty

Be with who makes you smile

It helps to forget problems and make them seem so mild.

Laugh as much as you can

Remember that life can be shorter than counting from one to ten

Learn to cherish what you have

Love as much, as if you do not have much time left.

Just Another Poem

Just to share with you another poem.. it's for another person whom I know. I thought you have been fighting the 'battle' well.. please continue to press on and I sincerely hope that you can get out of it soon. Do contact me if you need to talk ok?

It must have been hard for you to always put up a brave front

Especially when you are the only one who feel the brunt

It has nothing to do with whether you are at fault

This is a part of your life and focus on what you have got.

Instead of pondering over the many 'why' questions

It could be more fruitful to think about the possible solutions

Such loss can be difficult to express and describe

But you have already done your best and with all your might.

Thoughts of harming yourself and ending your life may have hit you

They are NOT your solutions, making it hard for you to start anew

Your battle still has to go on

Hang in there and you may come out of it feeling strong.

A Poem for a Friend

A friend of mine has constantly been in a conflictual relationship with her mother-in-law and lately she emailed me a very long letter ventilating her frustrations. I believe it takes two hands to clap in any relationships, and many times it's difficult to really tell who's right and who's wrong. Of course, I would offer my friend as much support as I could, hoping that she would feel and cope better.

I had (and still have) my fair share of woe in close relationships though I do not have a mother-in-law now. I believe misunderstandings and conflicts are inevitable in almost all human interactions. I can't seem to forget hurtful incidents but I suppose I have forgiven and moved on. As the saying goes, "Once bitten twice shy", my fears that history may repeat itself remain. I must say that I am not courageous enough to take any form of risk to get myself hurt currently because I know if things were to happen again now, I will not have my mum and dad to turn to. I do not wish to get myself caught in that kind of situation. Or maybe I have become less brave and gungho with age? I am not sure..

Anyway, here's a little poem for my friend who's still struggling with her problems.

Sometimes I sit and stare
I wonder if life is really so unfair
Is it a matter of my perception
Or of myself and people around, I have a certain level of expectation?

I have now learnt to do what I can in my designated role
Pursuing my unhappy past can be quite a toil
Though you may feel that you are never in the wrong
Your spouse may not understand, hence making your relationship less strong

There are things in our life we can't change and control
Grudges we bear, it may be better to let them go
I know it's going to be tough but try to be forgiving
It's only then that your life may have more meaning.

Hey pal, you know who you are. By the time you read this, I hope you have already felt better. Give yourself some more time to calm down and move on. I know very often it's easier said than done... life is indeed short. No point harbouring so much hatred towards a person and getting yourself so distressed. Focus on what you have been blessed with and be happy ok?..

It's All Too Late

I still the remember the strong toilet scent at SGH whenever Mum's hospitalized at Ward 72. I could suddenly smell it around me for several hours yesterday afternoon even though I didn't visit the toilet at TTSH (I believe the washing detergent used for the toilets is the same across all restructured hospitals) during that time. The smell lingered and I smsed Rina about it. She believed it could be Mum and that Mum wanted to remind me to take coconut drink more regularly at my current stage of pregnancy!?! Well, I went "Har?"...

Anyway, thinking back, Mum and Dad had taken very good care of me all along. I still remember when I first had Greg, Mum would make sure I took the necessary tonics and Dad would go all way out to get the food I love to eat. Dad would also make sure that I had coconut water to drink whenever I visited them in my last trimester of my first pregnancy and he would drive me to wherever I wished to go. Life was a breeze then and I felt so pampered. Sigh...things are just so different now. Quite upset when I thought about it last night.

Greg woke up at 3am this morning because he wetted his pants. After changing him, I could not go back to sleep. Images of what Dad and Mum did for me kept coming to me, and suddenly I just felt like penning some of my thoughts down. There were a couple of times when I had the mood to write poems in the middle of the night but I forced myself to sleep because I was tired. I thought I could still write them down the next day but I simply lost that inspiration. Anyway, I got up from my bed, wrote the poem and was able to return to my beauty sleep again at about 4:30am. Here it is, sharing with you how I feel..

When tears started welling up in my eyes

I knew that I was thinking of something not nice

Would crying suffice?..

I couldn't help it, no matter how hard I tried.

I am sorry for the times that I had taken you for granted

It's not that I had disagreed with your disciplinary method

I regret not heeding some of your wise advice

For many of my bad behaviours, I sincerely apologize.

You were magnanimous and forgiving

My parents you were, forever so loving

How I wish I could cherish you more when you were around

It's all too late and I have only tasted the real loss now..

I managed to dig out a couple of my wedding pictures which have Mum and Dad in them. Both were so healthy in 2003. I really miss them so much, and all the fun events that took place at their house.. so many fond memories *sob sob* SIGH..

Am I Strong?

Over the past two years, I received streams of condolences and encouragement. From friends, colleagues and relatives. I know they meant well, but frankly speaking, I was given the impression that the chain of unfortunate events that had happened to me for the past two years were not common and could only be seen in TV drama serials. I guess it was just so coincidental that one sad event happened after another. But anyway, I did feel odd.. and tired then. That feeling wasn't pleasant at all.

Now I receive smses or emails from friends and relatives sharing with me their losses (e.g., abortion, death of their loved one, how sick their loved one is etc). I am uncertain if they chose to confide in me because I am a clinical psychologist or that they feel comfortable sharing with me something that I have gone through it myself. By the way, I am absolutely fine with people sharing their emotions and thoughts with me. Afterall, that's what friends are for. What struck me is that many commented that I was strong. Strange.. I have never ever perceived myself as someone who's emotionally strong (remember, my brother has always said I was a 'cry baby' since young?). Neither do I think the events that had happened to me would/ have strengthened me in any way. As I was thinking back how I have coped over the past two years (and I am still adapting!), a little poem popped into my mind..

I am ordinary, like all other human beings
Just someone with own thoughts and feelings
Each time a sad event happens
Like you, my mood surely dampens.

Deeply into my heart, it may cut
I know I have to help myself to get out of the rut
People around may show their concern and say they understand
Very often I wonder if they could really comprehend.

I don't think I am someone who is strong
It's probably that I do not wish my life to go wrong
I have seen people with problems many times worse
It's time I should move on and not think it's a curse.

I have learnt to count my own blessing
Just have to pick myself up even if I keep falling
How I want my life to be
I guess no one can run it except me..

A Tribute to Mum

I can't help but keep thinking about Mum and the past. Thanks to Greg and my siblings for triggering these memories over the past couple of days. Hmmm... or should I blame it on my pregnancy hormones, because I noticed my emotions do come in waves. I do get emotionally charged whenever I think about how different my one month confinement would be after my delivery. I would also feel upset whenever I hear someone saying that they have difficulties looking after two young kids and they need their mothers' help when one of their kids is sick. Well, I guess I am not as lucky as them. I do agree that not all grandparents dote on their grandchildren and would "scale high mountains/ swim across the sea" for their grandchildren. But both my Dad and Mum did. I know they had always put the children and grandchildren before themselves, and that's partly why their passing is a great loss to me. They had loved the children and grandchildren more than they loved themselves. I can vouch for that.

Above is the picture taken with Mum and my two sisters using our own camera. I couldn't quite recall which year it was taken but Mum was very well then. She suffered from large intestinal cancer in the late 90s but her condition was considered in remission when we decided to take a huge family photo. It had always been Mum's dream to take a family picture with the children in graduation gowns and all the grandchildren. That was the last time we had our family photo taken and it's a pity that Greg, Regine and Reuben were not in it.

Anyway, here's another poem specially dedicated to my mummy..

It's coming to 4 months since you were gone
Some people may wonder why I still yearn for you after so long
I didnt know how painful it's like to lose own mum
Until I went through it myself and wish this day never come

I really miss your smiles and laughter
I regret not telling you you were such a great mother
There are so many things I want to say
Feel very sad whenever I realize you have gone so far away

During those times when you scolded and caned me
I was upset then but now I can imagine how hurt you could be
I used to think you were biased and never fair
Whether you really were or not, now I no longer care

How I miss the good food that you used to prepare
You are still my best chef, and no one else can compare
Though things have changed and do not stay the same
Inside my heart, our times together would forever remain..

Mooncake Festival..

A little poem dedicated to my three other siblings - Pearl, Raymond and Rina..

It's mooncake festival today

I do not intend to celebrate it anyway

Though we had Mum with us last year

It's obvious Pa's absence greatly reduced the happy atmosphere

I could still recall the fond memories we had on this very day

Lighting up lanterns, sharing mooncakes and the fun games we used to play

Without Pa and Ma, I know mooncake festival will never be the same like before

If only I could turn back the clock when our parents were together with us four..

To My Mummy with Love..

Life has its ups and downs. I noticed that I have more downs than ups since dad's passing in June 2006. So sudden and his demise ripped my heart apart. About a month later, I had to undergo MTPT because my second baby had a dysplastic cycstic kidney which was dislocated. Things didn't get any better even when I found out that I was pregnant again in April 2007. Mum's condition just deteriorated. I lost her in June 2007. Just slightly before dad's first death anniversary. I really miss them so much. Still having a hard time grieving over so many losses. One after another. Sometimes I feel so numbed whereas there are also times when I can be so overwhelmed with emotions.

Eventually, I tried to pen my thoughts and feelings down in poetry format whenever strong emotions hit me. I shared some of these poems with people around and MuiJoo asked me why not start a blog and save my poems in it. I do worry that I may not have the inspiration to write poems all the time. But well, on second thought, perhaps it's one good way I could save all my poems. It's not necessary that I have to write poems all the time. I could always write about my lovely 2 year old Gregory and his little brother who's going to bounce onto earth at the end of this year! So here I am, after much hesitation and procrastination! Heehee.

I have been feeling pretty low lately. Not sure if it's due to my hormonal change during pregnancy. In the night, I would suddenly think about mum and dad, and I know my confinement this time will be very different because there isn't anyone who will fuss over me. Anyway, I came up with a poem when a sudden wave of emotions hit me this morning. Here it is and just to share this with you.. a poem dedicated to my mummy who's always so strong and brave! How I wish I could be as courageous as her..

I still remember the night you could last open your eyes

You looked around without any rest despite many tries

How I now regret that I didn't stay longer

I didn't know then that I would lose you forever

Your illness is indeed one that's hard to fight

You were so brave to take it on with all your might

I could sense your distress when pa was gone

You did try to move on and remain strong

How I wish you and pa are still around

Everything is so so different now

We have stopped playing 'fish red fish' and 'gerami'

But the fun and memorable moments would be kept with me.

It'd be nice if you both could be near

So that I know there is nothing I need to fear

It's really not easy to let you both go

Especially with the dear memories I still hold..